The Bible tells me so…

Sometimes I don't know how to interpret the Bible. And it freaks me out.

I pick up the red-lettered, leather-bound mystery and think "What do I even do with this?"

Lately I've been struggling with knowing what things are still applicable today. How should I think about issues like homosexuality, slavery, women wearing head coverings in church?

I have a hard time having a consistent view of God. It's hard for me to understand the differences in people praying, even. I hear men speak reverently to God, "Almighty Father, how great thou art." But then others approach God in a different manner, like "Hey God, I thank You for this day...etc." These approaches are considerably different. My question is: does one person have a clearer, more accurate view of God?

I feel like I have so many questions, but the answers are coming very slowly. I believe there's truth in the quote that says "Learning is a continual back and forth between equilibrium and disequilibrium." I'm living in the land of disequilibrium, but I know soon enough I'll be back on the other side. God is faithful.

I am not a mom blogger.

Out of all the blogs I follow, the majority of them are mom bloggers. They post the most often, have the cutest pictures, and are just so fun to read.

Well, obviously this blog is going to be different. I’m not a mom; I’m not even married.

Sometimes it’s a little disheartening not to have a circle of blogger friends who’ll leave me comments. I know some of the people who read this blog relate to what I write about; they’ve told me. But still. It’s a different sort of blog.

I can’t post pictures of cute babies and talk about things like “Oh he never likes to take naps” or “my kids did the cutest thing today”. But I still see the world from my perspective.

Here’s some things from my life lately that I find the most interesting.

I hate doing the dishes...but I've discovered an important equation.

Techno music is best. It really gets you pumped up, and before you know it…you can see the bottom of the sink.

Every Saturday after I skate, I go to Whole Foods for breakfast. I treasure this time there. It's my time to sit, relax, enjoy a latte, people watch. I'll spend $5 on a coffee and pastry, but that's it. I dream, though...when I actually have money (a whopping teacher’s salary), I’ll start buying all organic beef. Or, there's a mom carrying her baby in an organic, dye-free cloth sling...I bet she also uses cloth diapers and buys stuff like organic fruit snacks and cheese puffs for her kids. I like that. I'll do that.

I'm at the tail-end of student teaching and I've got money fever. After going a whole semester doing everything a paid teacher does with no salary, I can almost taste the money that's to come. It has quite the metallic taste. But seriously...it'll be nice.

My cat was tired during her photo shoot. How fierce she is.

 

Have you heard of “tie-dye” eggs?? They are pretty neat. I got the idea from the Our Best Bites website at this link here. It’s simple; you take some old neckties (must be 100% pure silk), and you boil the eggs with the fabric wrapped around each one. The dye from the ties colors the eggs and they look fabulous. Here’s how mine turned out.

I can't write from the point of view of a mom, like the majority of bloggers I follow. But I like being here. It's a unique perspective. I have not run across another blog out there in the blog universe written by a student teacher. I'm among the minority. I am not  a mom blogger. But it's all good.

A chance to bloom

You know those days where you just know going into it that it will be a challenge? That was my today.

Like a lamb upon the alter, I sacrificed some of my precious sleep time yesterday to go to bible study. It was certainly well worth it. We’re going through A.W. Tozer’s “Knowledge of the Holy”, and I find my brain stretched and squeezed and strained each time. New ways to think about our God. New ways to think about how He relates to me, and how I relate to Him. How I should relate to Him. It is challenging and refreshing every time.

My last-minute lesson planning took up the rest of the evening, once I got home. My light stayed on much later than usual. And then this morning I wake up feeling tired and on-the-verge-of-sick and…nervous. Today was my first time teaching solo, and because of state testing, the schedule is screwed up and I don’t get any plan periods. Just a 35 minute break for lunch. I woke up knowing today was my test, and I just thought…bring it on.

We usually pray for easy things. Clear traffic and short grocery lines and “good days.” But with student teaching, I have come to desire the tough stuff. Because it’s reality. And I know it will help shape me into a better teacher, a better person in general. I can just picture God saying this about me, as I go through hard things: “This girl? I want her to be real. I want her love to be real. So I’ve got the perfect plan.”

Whether it’s big stuff like break-ups or small stuff like little misunderstandings (I understand these are relative), I know I can look for the good in every situation. It’s hard to do it as it’s happening, but I know I can find something good every time because when I look at the past, I see that everything God has done in my life is ultimately nothing but good. Reading Kelle Hampton’s book, Bloom, this past weekend has REALLY challenged me to look for the bright spots in every situation. To tell myself “You know what I like about right now?” To view hardships as an opportunity to, well, bloom, like the title says. You really should read the book.

And my student teaching today? There’s really no other way to put it…teaching high school ELL has really helped make me a badass. Truth. I have truly began to find my teaching style, and have discovered my expectations, and won’t let the kids get away with stuff that hinders their learning. It’s so nice to have finally reached this point! At my previous placement, my cooperating teacher never let me have total control over the class. She told me she wanted me to have a positive experience, since this particular class is so rambunctious. While I’m thankful for her kindness, she didn’t give me reality, which to me is a far greater gift than a “positive experience.” A chance to struggle, but a chance to grow and to learn.

I’ve got less than a month left before I graduate, and less than two months before I start teaching for real for real. That will be scary. That will truly be my time to bloom.

And how do you say that in Vietnamese?

I have a newfound appreciation for language, now that I’m teaching English to non-native speakers.

Seriously…think about it. Language is so complex. A toddler learns with ease…how? Is there truly a “language acquisition device” in our brains? I don’t even know how many languages there are in the world. 5,000? More? Maybe so. I never thought the biblical story of the tower of Babel was much of anything when I was a kid. Just a bunch of people foolishly trying to build a tower to heaven. But God is so incredibly creative! I’m glad there are lots of languages. I love hearing so many in the classroom each day.

I also think of all the ways we play with language and am amazed. Words with Friends? Crossword puzzles? What about puns, hink-pinks, rebuses, hangman, acrostic poems? Not to mention everyday language. I love the freedom in choosing the perfect way to say something.

“The weather is quite mild today.”
or…
“The sunshine is just perfect.”
or maybe…
“It sure is a beeeeea-U-tiful day!”
You can say it anyway you want it. That’s the way you need it. Anyway you want it. (I think that’s Journey…?) :)

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I’ve also noticed the difference punctuation makes in emotion.
Exclamation points can be so chipper! Sometimes more than necessary, even!

I am doing great!

Periods can sound so dull. And lifeless.

I am doing great.

Ellipses make a thought sound incomplete…like you have more to say…but aren’t sure you should say it…

I am doing great…

And no punctuation at the end? I think it makes a person look lazy. Like they don’t even take the time to consider which type of punctuation to use, which would convey the correct emotion.

I am doing great

Maybe I’m a nerd. But I think it is just so intriguing how our language works!
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One more thing. Today in class, I was teaching new vocabulary words to my Level 2 ELL students, when one of my Vietnamese students, ya know…let one. It was really loud. And everyone just lost it. I couldn’t help but laugh, too! There was no hope for refocus for a while. So I just let us all have a good laugh (even the kid who did it). He was laughing so hard he had to get up and get a tissue to wipe the tears from his eyes. The students were almost calmed down again when I asked “How do you say that in Vietnamese?” Then the laughter started up again. It was just so funny! I didn’t know that my genuine curiosity about their word for farting would cause such an uproar. Ha!
Even though I was unsure about teaching high school, I have found that I love coming to school each day and teaching them. They have helped me see our language in a whole new way. And they make me laugh. It’s a good life with the 9-12th grade English Language Learners. :)

Tick tock…

I feel like society has this timeline and there’s an enormous pressure to adhere to it.

You graduate from high school, then you move on to college. Once you get your Bachelor’s degree, then you get a job. Right away. By this time you should be seriously dating someone if not already engaged, maybe even married. It had better happen soon; your window of opportunity is quickly closing since you’re out in the working world now and not in the college realm. Then you’ve gotta start working on your Master’s degree. Kids will start happening somewhere in there, too. Quick, quick, quick. This is what is expected. Chances are you might not be viewed as “successful” if you don’t have these things in the right places on your timeline…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I’m at in life and how that compares to what is “normal.” I was looking at an old yearbook the other day, and I realized that 12 out of my 74 high school classmates have kids. That’s twelve new lives in this world since four short years ago. I can’t even count the number of classmates who are married or engaged, let alone in a serious relationship. It’s high. All I know is…I’m among the minority.

The comparison game has been a theme this semester. It seems that automatically, subconsciously, I compare myself to anyone and everyone I meet. While this could potentially cause me to look at myself and make changes, it usually just brings judgment. Which is so unnecessary. What does it give you? A higher (inaccurate) view of yourself, and a disdainful view of others. This stuff is hard to admit. Everyone struggles with it from time to time, but for some reason—my guess is pride—it’s something very hard to pinpoint as wrong. Even celebrity gossip is, in a way, comparison. Feeling free to judge people we don’t even know. It comes so easily, but really does us no good.

Also, I feel that I don’t fit the typical mold of a teacher.

1. First of all, I don’t wear a winter coat with fur on the hood. I won’t ever.(This seems irrelevant, but haven’t you noticed it? ALL elementary teachers wear a coat like this!).

2. I’m not an extrovert. I’m outgoing, but being around people too much can drain all my energy. I considered this for a while…what if I get burned out being around kids all day? (Especially on the extra hyperactive days). I’ve done some research, and have had 10 weeks of experience so far. The conclusion is…I’ll be fine. I get this sort of rush when I’m up there in front of the class. It’s great!

3. I don’t really see myself living the “American Dream.” Maybe there will be a husband and kids in store for me someday, eh? But maybe not. I don’t yet know. But I’m willing to do whatevs God wants me to do…even if it doesn’t fit this timeline I’ve felt pressured with lately.

That’s about all I’ve got for now! Maybe I’ll post something lighthearted and less contemplative one of these days. A craft, perhaps. It’s been far too long. We shall see!

Limbo

Limbo. No, not like the crazy dance where you bend over backwards so you can go under the stick thingy. I remember always trying to do the Limbo on roller skates while at the roller rink as a kid. It seems to me that was basically asking for someone to make an emergency trip to the ER with a split-open head. Thankfully that never happened when I was there!
But I digress. This post is not about going under a stick. It’s about being in limbo. The Merriam-Webster Learner’s Dictionary (perfect for English Language Learners like I work with!) puts it in very plain terms:

in limbo
                  1 : in a forgotten or ignored place, state, or situation
                  2 : in an uncertain or undecided state or condition

I thought college was a rough transition period of one’s life. Yes, it’s true, it is difficult being in a place where you aren’t a kid living with your parents anymore, but still are not yet an independent adult. But really, when you are on campus with roughly 6,000 other people your age in the same stage of life, you have a lot of people to relate with.
Fast forward to student teaching. I don’t really identify with college students anymore. I mean, I don’t go to class, have finals or midterms, or write 15-page papers. I’m not really there anymore. But at the same time, I do not identify with adults in the working world. In the teacher’s lounge at school, much of the time I just sat there and didn’t say anything. I can always ask questions, but I have nothing to add when they are talking about house payments, social security/retirement (I haven’t even started teaching yet, for Pete’s sake!), parenting, and little things like whether or not they had their pictures taken before or after their wedding ceremony. I feel so far removed from all of this. I feel like I’m in limbo.

So what do I do with this? Do I just bide my time here in this little realm and wait until finally I emerge out on the other side?

I know God has me here for a reason.

There are lessons to learn, some which I already have learned, and others that are yet to come. Trust is a huge one. This season of my life has revealed how little I do trust God with my plans, hopes, and dreams…quite the opposite of how much I thought I trusted before taking the steps to moving beyond college. Wanting to know how God wants to use me causes me to seek Him even more, which is 100% wonderful. During transition/unknown times of life, a common verse to hear is Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I love that verse, but for me it has often just stopped there. The next two verses have been SO good to realize as of late. Verses 12 & 13 go on to say “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” What does it look like to seek God with all my heart? I don’t know how much I’ve done this in the past. It is so encouraging that this is a promise, a for-sure thing. I can rest in the fact that God will reveal His plans to me, that I will know what decisions to make when those times come. Until then, I will continue to learn what it means to seek Him with my whole heart. I think that’s what limbo is for.

On a final note…please enjoy the lovely Limbo song I picked out just for this post. I couldn’t help it! :)

This has a conclusion…I promise.

This post will be random, since that is in my nature.

My transition to teaching in a high school has been great. The kids (can I even call them that? Some of are only like 2 years younger than me!) I work with make me laugh and I really enjoy them. But being away from high school for 4 years has made me forgetful of some of the details…I forgot about PDA. Thank you, boy ginger and girl ginger, for letting us see how much you love each other each day for 3 minutes before 4th period. Some couples make me want to gag and laugh hysterically at the same time. Oh young love!

I’ve been reading Tortured for Christ lately. It was written by the founder of Voice of the Martyrs, Richard Wurmbrand. He was imprisoned and tortured for over 13 years in Communist Romania. This book is compelling and very thought-provoking. One quote that stuck out to me today as I was reading is:

“God is “the Truth.” The Bible is the “truth about the Truth.” Theology is the “truth about the truth about the Truth.” Christian people live in these many truths about the Truth, and, because of them, have not “the Truth.” Hungry, beaten, and drugged, we had forgotten theology and the Bible. We had forgotten the “truths about the Truth,” therefore we lived in “the Truth.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to rest in God. I feel like I’ve never done this physically or spiritually. (I’m not very good at not finding something to be busy with). This is something I’d like to experience, though. Just some thoughts…

I’ve been super hungry as of late. Terribly ravenous. Like last night, I was in bed with the lights turned off, but I really wanted a snack. So I yelled to my mom to bring me some crispy hexagons (the classier name for the store brand of Crispix) and then the voracious monster inside was subdued. Crazy, right? We’ll see what kind of a snack I’ll come up with tonight.

I can’t really think of a nifty little way to tie all of this together…maybe God is Truth, it’s okay to eat a lot, but don’t disgust people with your PDA? I’ll go with that. Nice and random, just like I thought. :)